Just a warning.. I really don't feel like writing this in both languages, so English it is this time, so everyone would understand..
I just hate how everything can change in one day.. And in this case.. To a bad side.. If it even can have sides.. It seems that nothing actually happened.. I just had too much free time and too much freedom for my thoughts..
I should probably start from the beginning.. Well, not like from the very beginning.. But from somewhere where I left you this summer when I wrote my last blog..
The end of the summer was amazing.. I had such a great time.. Mostly at nights, when my three friends and I met and just did random stuff at my place or outside if it was warm enough.. It was probably the best time I had this summer. Loved every minute of it. However, all the time I was actually hoping to go back to London sooner.. Two months were great back home.. But after two months it started to feel too long of a visit.. It is true, that after you leave home for studies your home is no longer HOME. It's your parents home.
I was really happy when I got back to London. Had whole month free here.. As I look back at it, I didn't do much, just enjoyed my time here.. The spirit of the city.. Then the studies started and I'm loving it so much this year! I can't believe how everything changed.. Well, I guess I just grew up in my head a bit. And realized what I want from life.. And that made me appreciate it.
Then the bad stuff started happening.. I even was considering withdrawal from studies at one point.. Not like leaving uni, but more like gap month(s).. Thankfully is fine now and this thought is no longer in my head.. When I say bad stuff, it's mainly related to the place I lived in then and financial situation..
I live in a new place now. It's great, people are friendly, room is big, so I finally can keep my stuff out of bags.. The area around is very nice. Can't wait for the spring, the park should look amazing then. And it's huge! Financial situation is not perfect, but much better now.. I'm still looking for a job, at least for Christmas period, but it's okay now..
I'm actually feeling good in London this time. No homesick as it was last year.. In theory I have more friends in London now.. Last year Greta was here (she's now in Leeds and she's loving it) but I spend quite a lot of time with her.. We met a least once a week.. And now I have more friends living in London.. But I seem to meet them once a month.. All of them are busy.. And I just don't feel like being the one always offering to meet.. It's always nice to meet and talk for ages, but I somehow feel like I'm disturbing their lifes.
I'm learning to enjoy things alone. Going places alone.. Last week I went to a gig by myself.. That was a huge step for me.. For you it might seem like nothing.. Everybody had plans when I asked them to join me and I really wanted to go, so I went alone.. It was great. Such a warm gig, if warm is a right word to use here..
And today I decided to have a lazy day at home.. And that was a huge mistake.. Or, maybe, thinking was a mistake.. I realized that at the now I have two options in my life. Either to befriend loneliness, which I'm actually trying to run from OR to meet new people.. And as I said to my friend today:
But I seriously start to think that I have some mental problem.. And it has nothing to do with being shy as it first might seem.. But I seriously can't be the one that says hi first.. Like, really.. Even with Dom.. He said hi, when he saw me.. And I'm okay with talking to people even if I see them for the first time, I just literally can't be the one to start conversations.. Maybe I should make a sign that would say 'Hi.. I would like to talk to you, but I need YOU to say 'Hi' first..' and bring it everywhere with me..
The main reason why all this started is because Christmas is just around a corner... And all my friends are going home for holidays.. I'll be staying here. Few days ago I asked my brother how he spends Christmas here. He said his friends and he basically have three day party, but this year he doesn't know if he will be able to do that because of money.. I was hopping to go to Leeds to visit Greta, but she's going back to Lithuania as well. So no Christmas for me, I guess..
To be honest, I don't know how to end this blog now.. Maybe because I'm still thinking, even though I know it'll probably make things worst.. But..
I hope you all are okay and don't have troubles with problems like this..